


Forgiveness

by Marie67



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, M/M, Reunion Fic, Translation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-25 01:38:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3791794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marie67/pseuds/Marie67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the long separation, there was a word Gon couldn't say.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Perdão](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3747091) by [Marie67](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marie67/pseuds/Marie67). 



> my two cents on that good old reunion au, plus a try on translating my writing to english

When he closed his eyes to sleep, Killua would find himself covered by the warm memories of Gon's face and voice.

When he felt the sun in his face, he'd remember his warmth.

When he visited any of the countless places they once had seen together, Killua would unconsciously look for him. He'd wait to see him on those streets. Like a ghost. Killua would try to write him letters, but they would remain unsent and unfinished, stained with tears. But Gon wasn't a ghost anymore - he was back from his long absence, but the last days were silentious. The boy of his memories was gone forever and someone else was in front of him - that man he couldn't understand. It was foggy, it was complicated and he felt like the moment he'd try to reach Gon, something would repel him and he'd end up hurt.

Killua felt uneasy and heavy sat in that bed, like a stranger in that room, his hands clenched on fists, his teeth gritting in rage. The adrenaline was still burning is his veins, his throat was still hurting from the yelling and the crying that he was trying to hold. He could still hear Gon's heavy breathing from the other side of the room, on the opposite wall where his fist landed on a punch. Where Gon had unburdened his anger when he heard Killua's raw accusations.

 

_You wanted to leave,_

_you left first._

 

He knew it was a lie. They'd both left. Gon cried back - he wasn't ashamed of his tears - in a voice stranger to his ears, in a growling voice that Killua never wanted to hear.

 

_You were acting strange! You said you needeed to follow your own way!_

_I needed to leave,_

_You didn't needed me anymore._

 

The feeling that he'd been swallowing was acid, it made his chest twist. It was like a thin thread tied them and Killua had to hold tight to it desperately, or Gon would leave him alone without looking behind. He had left. The time has passed and he was back - Alluka, the one who kept a smile on Killua's face and warmth on his heart, had already gone on her own path as well. When he finally met with Gon after four years, it felt like something was missing. Killua couldn't find his way to him anymore. And now in that hotel room, he'd tried again and he lost himself. Both of them had said things that were buried and stuck in their toughts. In the darkest corners of their hearts, that kind of thought that everyone tries hard to kill - and quickly.

His face felt sore, aching, from the moments he had silently sobbed and let the tears make their way - silently, or Gon would hear him.

  
"Killua," Gon croaked out.

  
He wasn't capable to answer yet.

  
" _Killua!_  " Gon cried, still stagnant on the other side of the room. "I don't understand... I don't know how to fix this... just don't stay still like that, look at me!"

 

Killua had heard him clearly, but Gon just didn't  _know_  how to pronounce the words for an apology. Killua almost laughed at the thought. It should be simple. He closed his eyelids to ease the tension and opened them again, just to look at the oblivious city by the window facing him back. The silence scratched and bited his soul, making his skin burn.

 

"I want this to over," Gon muttered. "I wasn't made to stay away from you... I never wanted to leave you. We needed to part ways, and that's all, isn't it?" he said, his words in small disconnected pieces. "It wasn't supposed to be forever. Since we met again I wanted to..." Gon repeated and repeated that last syllable, his voice dying in every repetition.

  
And Killua could only hear and understand, still refusing to face him. It was his job to understand and accept, after all. He looked over his shoulder to find Gon imploring for his attention on the opposite wall, his mouth open and hands closed in fists.

 

"I don't think I was made for that," he said without thinking. "I don't think we were."

  
"Killua, _this isn't true!_ " Gon rushed through the room to take Killua without warning, grab the collar of his shirt and put his body against the wall. Killua barely processed what happened, but instinctively held Gon's wrist. He was still afraid to look him in the eye. "You were. I never wanted to stay away from you, I never did! I... why won't you say anything? We're here. We're together," he murmured.

  
Killua started to note every inch of Gon's body - how his arms were more muscular, how he was sweating and trembling, the tears and the red painting his face, his hands shaking and holding him against the wall.

"And you expected me to wait patiently for you," he snickered, facing the floor, safely avoiding Gon's gaze and clutching his wrists tightly. It was useless. He woundn't pull away even if Killua made him bleed.

  
"I'd wait for you," he confessed, almost whispering. "I wouldn't go anywhere if I couldn't find you again."

  
Gon was such an  _idiot_. Saying everything he wanted to hear - but one word.

  
Killua was out of words and moves. His grasp on Gon's wrists weakened and fell down. He waited patiently for his thoughts to be silent, still facing the floor. Slowly, Gon took his hands off the collar of his shirt. Gon caressed his chin, and all he could do was staying still.

  
"I owe you something, don't I?" Gon breathed.

 

"It doesn't work like that." Killua muttered. "You can't always do whatever you want and get away with it."

  
There was another moment of silence. Gon was coming closer, and he stood  _still._

  
"Killua," those quivering lips brushed against his briefly, and Killua's heart raced. Gon was trying to reach him. Killua could almost see the end of the path he was trying to follow all along.

  
Killua's lips were sore, bitten from the times he couldn't hold his anxiety. Gon's lips were warm and untouched. He wondered if Gon felt the same. If Gon was hurting at the same intensity. If Gon even knew he was hurting.

Killua felt Gon's arms around him, and he was enraptured - by the smell of his tanned skin, the smell of cologne, of salt and of him. Slowly, Gon placed his hands on Killua's temples, depriving him of seeing anything outside their particular universe, and their lips brushed again. Killua closed his eyes and waited once again, his whole body containing the roaring of his thoughts.

" _Killua, forgive me_ ," he slipped the words inside Killua's mouth, making him shiver. Gon whispered in his ears, carving those words in every inch of his being.  _"I'm so sorry, Killua. Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me,_ " and he breathed it multiple times, his repetition dying slowly in tears and weeping.

A faint smile flashed on his lips and it crept over his face. It was once broken heart finding its comfort, the same heart becoming ravenous and beating too fast; Killua's skin burned and he bit his lower lip, feeling and swallowing every single one of Gon's words against his neck. The last inch between their lips was gone and Killua let himself  _drown._

  
_Gon_ , who had said he was  _sorry._

 

They kissed unthinkingly, deeply, Killua's face still trapped in Gon's heavy hands. Killua grabbed Gon's shirt and pulled him closer, kissing him back; feeling how warm it was, how wet, how it tasted like tears. His fingers pulled Gon's thick hair, and Killua felt the boy grunting in response against his lips. He tried to switch positions and push Gon agaisnt the wall - and it was useless. Gon never really accepted to be defeated or contested. Killua's body slamed against the wall once again, but it didn't hurt. Nothing really hurted him. He moaned Gon's name like a plea, like he wasn't close enough. _I'm sorry._

  
Gon had his forgiveness since the moment Killua was hurt by the first time; Gon had his forgiveness since they met. But for the sake of his dignity he wanted to  _hear it_. Asking for it. Saying he was sorry. Gon was still spilling those words - through his eyes, through his trembling hands. When Killua looked in his eyes he could still see them vividly.

  
_I'm sorry. I'm sorry it took so long for me to say it. Forgive me._


End file.
